Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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