your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
