I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
