I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
