and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
