It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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