I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
