i love accidental penises.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
