i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
