he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
