3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
