I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
