I CAN MOONWALK!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
