The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
