the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i think my mom watched the whole time
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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