Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize