The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
