I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
