I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
