I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
