i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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