My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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