I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
