I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
