the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
