I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
whose parrot is this?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
