I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
