Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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