All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I believe in your delicious
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
