if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
