i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
