had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
