I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
