I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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