I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
