my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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