I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
