be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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