My Higher Power is John Stamos
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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