Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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