I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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