I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
