i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
