i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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