woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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