I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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