is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
