your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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