I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
