I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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