my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I feel like death gave me a hand job
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
