You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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